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I Befriended My Troll

The most bizarre thing has happened. I have become friends with someone I once viewed as an enemy. It all started with an email…

At the end of July, I received an email sending love and support from an anonymous reader — one who admitted she had been a “hate reader” in the past and wanted to reach out and ask for forgiveness.

I wrote her back right away:

Wow, this is not an email I get every day! Thank you for writing, and for stepping away from the dark side! …Sometimes I think if people like you met me in person they would chill out and realize that it’s their interpretation of me that is messed up – not me! At least that’s what I tell myself. I really am very nice and normal in person : )

We ended up going back and forth for several emails talking about what it’s like to be a blogger with people picking you apart, and eventually, when the time was right, I suppose, the writer revealed that she was actually the author of a snark blog that mocked me for several years. Her email ended with: “Whatever happens now, I do truly want to make amends however I can, and extend my apologies to you, Kath.”

I think she expected me to throw some harsh words her way, but that is not who I am. If someone offers me a heartfelt apology, I want to forgive them. The emotion I felt most of all was relief. Relief that this person who had hurt me in the past was choosing not to do so anymore. We emailed back and forth 26 times (I am not making that number up!) and asked All.The.Questions. I was curious more than anything else to know why and how she chose to write about me. We have been talking nearly every day since because, as it turns out, we DO have a lot in common.

(Except for our opinions on onions!) : )

I offered KERF as a platform for us to share this story, and for her to share her perspective as well. She offered the post title: “How To Apply The Squiggly Line Effect To Being A Bitch.” – HA!

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Hi Kath, I want to introduce myself and offer my apology. I wrote the snark site that recapped your blog for two and a half years, poking fun at you and your life. I hurt you, repeatedly and anonymously, for overall pretty idiotic reasons, and I’d like to work to right that wrong, ask for your forgiveness, and be able to — both of us — make peace about it.

When I was offered the chance to write paid recaps, I took it immediately because, at that point in my life, I had the time to read your years of archives, I needed the money, and I had made it a habit, since I was a teenager, of never turning down jobs I “could” do — even when they were frequently a disastrous fit. I had never had the luxury to consider whether I “should” have done a job. And no job had ever asked me to nitpick at one person — who wasn’t even a sheriff or a Senator who actually has the power and ability to sway policy and affect the average person’s life — and to do so for days, then years, as though there were genuine danger that you might pull people to the dark side of sardine cups and Athletic Conditioning class.

Pretty flimsy rationale, wasn’t it?

But, as you now know, it gets worse. For the majority of the time I was writing these recaps, I was facing a situation alone in Los Angeles where a dangerous person was making it ill-advised for me to leave my apartment, and the only times I didn’t have to worry about him were the months he would end up in jail. I spent my evenings and weekends never realizing, as I do now, that the things I was writing probably made you afraid to go outside.

What’s sad in retrospect is that, when I would tell people about my day job in the entertainment industry, it made me so happy thinking about how childhood me would have been proud of adult me. I never thought about how childhood me would have viewed whinging about someone who’d never done anything worse than, gasp, make decisions — about what to eat, what to wear, who to work for, how to decorate her house, and where to go on vacation — others might not have made. Childhood me would have been impressed by my drive home, past the Warner Bros. water tower, and thoroughly unimpressed by finding flaws in someone’s writing and returning to it day after day. Childhood me would have told adult me to grow up. Childhood me would have been right.

It’s only been recently, after the deaths of my mother and several other people close to me, that I’ve started to think about the wreckage that some people leave behind for others to sort out, as frequently happens when they are dying and lashing out and can scarcely wrap their minds around their own mortality, let alone settling old, hurtful scores with the living. It is a somber, sad thing to watch people in pain inflict it on others and then die without trying to mend the things they’ve broken for reasons no one alive can figure out. I don’t want to be like that.

What I did was a waste of time, and something I should have been more mature than to waste my early 30s on. It’s not its frivolity that makes it a waste — we don’t all need to spend our waking hours on brain cancer and rocket science, and there’s much to recommend watching clouds and building pillow forts — but rather that I lashed out and acted out and harmed you by taking out my anger on you, by discounting your value as a human being, and by indulging negativity against someone who’s never hurt me or anyone I know. I found ways to justify what I was writing as though I were “punching up”, as though making a living in partial public view was as good as a digital “kick me” sign on your back.

There are people out there right now who support slashing funding for women’s health care in poor countries, who think we should do away with health care policies that provide hospice care benefits for terminally ill children, who support policies that prevent refugee boys and girls from making it to their American foster families. Those people would have a hearty laugh at the thought of me wasting so many productive years trolling your job because you had the audacity to enjoy eating oats and having “Survivor” contests with your girlfriends. They would LOVE to see more people strengthening their “meangirling” muscles on the internet like I did.

I don’t want to be a part of giving this kind of focused, critical, furious power to anyone who’s not actually a vicious, evil, creep ever again. I’m tired of pretending that “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” has an asterisk if you don’t like someone’s breakfast. I’d rather hold my time on earth in higher regard than to waste it anonymously judging someone who, by all sensible metrics, I should be prouder to have as a friend, not a nemesis. I wish you happiness, and gladly promise you won’t hear any grumbling from my bridge ever again. And I hope you can take me at my sincere, non-snarky word.

Sincerely,

Your Former Troll

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We thought it would be a good idea to share this story with the internet as a happy ending to trolling in a world where it sometimes seems like the internet is becoming more and more negative. The internet is made up of humans — humans who wake up and have a choice each day whether they are kind or rude online.

Treating each other with kindness, empathy, and compassion isn’t something you can measure on an Apple Watch and there’s no entry for it on a nutrition label, but — especially these days — maybe it’s one of the best exercises of all.

This post was sponsored by #forgiveness and #friendship.  

 

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. I’ve been reading your blog for years. I can’t even think of one time I ever rolled by eyes or wanted to make fun of you. It’s crazy why people even start. You are about as normal and real as they get!

    Reply

  3. I’ve been reading KERF since 2009. I feel like you are a relative now! Had no idea there were blogs that mocked other blogs. That must have felt horrible for you. This letter was amazing and brave. Growing and doing better is what we should all strive for daily. I’m proud of you both.

    Reply

    • I love this comment from your Mom and love this post. Both are so needed and relevant in today’s world. Thank you for reminding me that kindness still exists and the “other stuff” is just getting a lot of air play these days.

      Reply

  5. I just watched the South Park Trolls episodes last night, so this is very timely. LOL That had to be very hard for her, but she went through the awkwardness and grew as a person. Way to go!

    She said “what I did was a waste of time”. Man, oh man, if trolls would realize that. At the end of your life, how much time did you dedicate to following your OWN dreams vs snarking on someone else living out theirs?? Were you afraid to even try because you were scared to be judged?? do you NOT see the irony?? LOL mmmm. smh

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  6. This really made my morning. I’m ashamed to admit I found you through “that” site…I lurked there long before your troll started recapping and was curious why all the HATERZ so I clicked over. I never got the hate but obviously saw someone I identified with and have been a devoted reader for years now. 🙂 However curious I am regarding the reactions to this post on that site, I made a promise to myself a while ago that I wouldn’t read it anymore and am proud to have kept to that. I apologize as well – I read some of those recaps, and they’re ultimately what made me quit the site. I have always appreciated a good snarky TV recap and rationalized they were no different, but when I really unpacked the subtext, I saw the meangirling, bitterness, and insecurity. It takes a HUGE amount of grace and humility to apologize, and your troll seems to have an equal amount of writing talent. I hope she holds true to her word and channels it toward more positive causes (or at least recaps from fictional sources ;)).

    Reply

  7. What a great story! I”ll admit that I used to read her blog and found it funny at the time, but I can definitely see that it was hurtful and I do apologize for contributing to that by being a reader.

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  8. Oh Kath! This makes me so happy: a troll realizing (in lovely prose, BTW) the folly of bashing someone on the internet. I wish more trolls would see themselves as other see them. Kudos to your former troll and to you for forging a new relationship based on truth and sincerity. And reformed troll: you really are a good writer! I hope you find work befitting your talent and energy.

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  9. WOW!! that girl can write. and dig deep. and ask for forgiveness. And you, Kath, you can writ.e and dig deep. and extend forgiveness. I am soooo glad I began my day off reading this because this is what is important- recognizing our mistakes, asking forgiveness and having it received. You two just made the world a whole lot better. Thank you!!!!!!!

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  10. Oh my gosh, I had no idea this site existed, either. I cannot understand or make sense of why these sites are around, but am glad to see you two have connected and made peace. Your posts over the years have been so helpful to me in so many ways–dietetic school, pregnancy, motherhood, recipes, nutrition education, etc. Thank you for all you do.

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  11. Am I so in the dark that I had no idea this troll site ever even existed?! And I’m in utter disbelief that it apparently does!

    Reply

  12. Fascinating!

    I have a job that has left me open to trolling. I have a pretty thick skin. However, at times, people have expressed violent, misogynistic thoughts, and it is scary.

    Sometimes I feel like we can’t change the culture. This shows me I’m wrong.

    Reply

  15. This is so great. I bet you’re both feeling so much lighter. We so often forget the power our words can have on other people, and on ourselves.

    Reply

  17. WOW. This is awesome. I had seen some hateful stuff posted about you a while back and I hoped that you hadn’t seen it. 🙁 What a wonderful story and props to the troll who stepped up and took inventory of her actions. That takes loads of bravery.

    Reply

  19. This post made me tear up. How brave of both of you to share this. Honestly Kath, I found you by stumbling on to that same recap site years ago and I jut didn’t get it. If I was your mom I would be so proud of you for being a responsible, engaged, caring adult. You have an interesting and beautiful life with many friends and activities you seem to enjoy. (Also, I love Survivor and watched many past seasons on line.) I have a daughter who lost her way and I used to think I would be so thrilled if my daughter lived her life like you do. (She is now finding her way.) I enjoy the sh*t out of your blog and I wish you and your former troll (and all the unhappy trolls out there) a happy and beautiful life! This was an interesting post. It shows you we are all so much more alike than different. Many blessings to you! xo

    Reply

  20. Wow. What a beautiful story of forgiveness and grace. The culture we live in right now is so full of anger and misunderstandings and hurtful words. Thanks to both of you for being so thoughtful and brave to understand that others needed to see this as the example that it is. Apologies can be given and accepted and healing and peace are possible. What a beautiful healing for both of you and a much appreciated example for everyone else.

    Reply

  22. This is an amazing story. I’ve always thought two things about trolls: 1) they must be in some kind of serious misery and 2) to have them means you are successful at what you are doing. I never got trolls until my blog gained more following, so I took them as a sign of success. This story goes to show you that I’m right on both accounts lol However it took some immense bravery on both of your parts to come together and then to share this story. Thank you for all the inspiration and example of love, forgiveness, and happy endings.

    Reply

  23. Let me say that I’m glad that the young lady had a revelation about her ways and reached out to apologize. I’m completely floored that this even happened though. I had no idea you were going through this and give you major kudos for not letting it impact your work. Truly a testament to what a strong woman you are!

    Reply

  24. This makes me so very happy!! You are normal, super lovely and a great person to chat with! As a reader, I have reached out to you personally for reco’s in Napa and Sonoma, then a few years later met up with you in CVille on a family vacation. I was so touched you would take the time to meet with me and let me take you to lunch to thank you. Mazen and my toddler Lauren had a great time when we went to the park and it just showed how kind and good hearted you are! I am glad that people can see just how lovely you really are !

    Reply

    • Thank you Karen! That was a fun playdate 🙂 I love meeting you guys in person. It’s a shame I have to be sort of guarded about it now!

      Reply

  26. Props to both of you — to you for your capacity for forgiveness, and to the troll for realizing that an apology was warranted (and that clearly there are a billion more productive ways she could be spending her time) and for having the guts to actually reach out to you and come clean. If everyone took a little more time to think about and understand how their actions and words might be negatively affecting others, the world (and especially the internet) would be a much happier place. xo

    Reply

  27. I too, had no idea a trolling site aimed at you existed. How did you never mention this? I applaud you for not doing so, that I ever saw! Props to you both!

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  28. The love on this site that you and so many of your readers bring is what keeps me reading day after day. You are clearly a tough, brave, kind person and I’m grateful to have found your blog. I hope more people have the bravery to right their wrongs and this post inspires more internet-kindness. Thanks for always shining the light on positivity!

    Reply

  30. What a wonderful story. And how very big of you to forgive her. I’m not a blogger, but I don’t know if I could be that big and forgive someone who was mean to me for so long. Kudos to you both!

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  31. Wow! So impressed by both of you in so many ways. What an inspirational story filled with grace, forgiveness and hope in the future during what feels like very dark and negative times. Thank you both for sharing!

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  32. This is great. Does she have a name? I don’t want to have to call her “the troll” because she is a person and a person with feelings and calling her that just seems negative and hurtful. I’ll admit I’ve had those thoughts towards some bloggers or posts but I would never voice them – not that it doesn’t make me any better because I still thought them. What a great person to come forward and for you both to show forgiveness – something we all need.

    Reply

    • She wanted to stay anon, which I respect. And I disagree – you can have all the thoughts you want (but I agree it’s good to reflect on WHY you have them) but it’s how you act on those thoughts that defines who you are.

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  34. What an incredible story. My husband and I have a media company and know the world of trolls all too well. We’ve had parody accounts, accounts that popped trying to “do us better,” folks call us the bought voice for our area. It takes a toll and can make you wonder if it’s all worth it. (And, of course, you wake up the next morning and remind yourself, “Yes, I love this. It is worth it.”) What a gift to hear from and bridge the divide with a strong (once opposing) voice. In this digital space, it’s hard to remember that we’re all human.

    Reply

  36. Pretty powerful! Let’s keep putting positive energy out there into this crazy world! It’s amazing how much time is wasted living in the negative, but this gives me hope that we can all channel that energy into something great!

    Reply

  37. When I discovered that that site existed (I think through Google), I was SHOCKED. How can people spend their time/lives being so petty in response to regular people sharing their lives!?

    Glad you two could work it out and that she’s moved on. Good on you — and what a story!

    Reply

  38. Wow this is such a powerful story and one that is important to share. I hope this inspires even more thoughtful and open communication. I just heard Brené Brown speak at her NYC book launch for Braving the Wilderness, and this post reminds, me so much about her message with the book! Thank you for sharing this!

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  39. Wow! I had no idea that snarkblogs were actually a thing. I had to google and see what these were about. It was so disappointing to see people, who are probably decent people in real life, be such ‘mean girls’ when the internet gives them anonymity. I enjoy your blog because you inspire me to think about food differently and I have to say I’ve made some better food choices in my life because of your blog. I cannot, however, say the same about running. 🙂 I think it’s great that your former troll has seen where her actions were hurtful to you and that you were gracious enough to make amends with her. Thanks for sharing!

    Reply

  40. Wow, how wonderful that she reached out to you and you were so quick to forgive her. You are such a good example! I had stumbled upon the site a while back and was shocked that someone would put the amount of time and effort into a hate site that she clearly did. I’m curious, were you scared during the time when you didn’t know who it was, or did you learn to just brush it off?

    Reply

    • I wouldn’t say scared – more annoyed. But I don’t pay much attention to that kind of stuff in general because I know it’s more them than me.

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  42. Forgiveness is beautiful and freeing. Life isn’t always rainbows and sunshine, but kindness and happiness go a long way. When we strip away people’s layers, we are all the same. Everyone feels better when they love and are loved. You showed just how important it is to take the high road. If we are honest, we have probably all been on the mean girl side of things at some point, even if it’s a comment we have made about someone. Once the words are out, they can not be taken back. It hurts people. Thank you both for the life lesson.

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  43. Great post !
    I admire both of you to be able to move on with life and to admit negative behaviors and be able to forgive !
    I have been following your blog for quite a few years and thoroughly enjoy each post . I must be very nieve – I was not even aware that these types of negative blogs even existed !

    Reply

  45. Wow. What a story! You both have shown such grace, maturity and civility, here- a real inspiration considering we seem to be seeing so little of it these days in public forums.

    Bravo. Women rule.

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  46. That was wonderful for her to reach out (I HATE that phrase, but it fits) to you after all this time. It must have been very hard for her to do. I’m so glad you graciously accepted her heartfelt apology and now you can be friends. I had no idea that people were actually paid to badmouth others on the Internet. You’d think I’d be a little smarter about such things at my age!

    Reply

  48. Well that’s pretty cool. A longtime reader of your blog myself, I am not at all surprised by your graciousness Kath. That was courageous of your new friend. Yay for transparency, accountability, forgiveness and finally friendship. 🙂

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  50. I’ve been a reader from the very beginning and must say I never stumbled upon or knew of these hate blogs. I think it’s very brave of her to approach you and write this as well as gives us a chance to see it’s always possible to forgive and move on.

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  52. I love this! Maybe because I am in Naples FL and dealing with Irma clean up and super emotional but it did bring tears to my eyes! It took courage for her to write an apology and I applaud that. I am sorry people have been rude to you in the past Kath. People can be so nasty but this recent hurricane has taught me that they can also be really really good.

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  53. Kath- I’m sorry people have been so mean to you. I can’t imagine what it has been like to have every single thing you do picked apart by people who have nothing better to do with their lives. Not to sound negative on such a positive story, but I was a bit surprised by how much the anonymous “troll” blamed her circumstances on her actions.

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  55. Kath – how kind of you to extend your forgiveness and how brave of your former troll to come forward. The high road has a beautiful view! I have been following you for years and even refer to you as my friend in Charlottesville to my husband. Because you are the only one I know in Charlottesville, he always knows who I am talking about. I do have one question, she mentioned that she was paid to write about you, who would pay for that and why? Is it just for the ad revenue created by the troll blog? I never knew something like that existed.

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  56. Oh I’ve seen her blog, really mean! Glad she’s decided to let stuff go, toxic! More people should do what you two have demonstrated here.

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  57. I also had no idea stuff like that existed! I mean I’ve seen troll commenters, but entire blogs?? How sheltered am I! I’ve been sitting here thinking about it for several minutes, and I still don’t really get the point. I’ve definitely come across blogs that made me roll my eyes, but all it did is make me not read it anymore, as I’m clearly not the target audience. The most it would inspire me to feel is indifference. I can’t imagine going to so much effort for something that doesn’t actually matter. I suppose getting paid is at least a reason, but for all the non-incentivized ones, the only explanation that makes any kind of sense to me is that it is an outlet for completely unrelated emotional pain, and for that, I have sympathy for all the trolls out there. May they find happiness in their own lives.

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  58. What in the world?!?! There are sites like that? People don’t have better things to do???? Mind blown.

    There are a lot of things I could say about this, but I will take a cue from you and take the high road. As we learned in Kindergarten- “if you can’t say something nice…..”

    Good on you for being such a gracious example of forgiveness.

    Reply

  59. Wow. You have always been an idol of mine, I had no idea people created mean blogs just to hate. Thank you for constantly setting an example for all of us. Forgiveness and grace, you are a gem.

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  61. Wow, this is amazing, It is a great reminder that it’s never too late to say sorry, it’s never too late to try to be a better person. That’s all we’ve got in this world, learning from our mistakes, saying we’re sorry, and forgiving people. Love this bit of hope on the internet.

    Also, I’ve been reading your blog off and on (life’s busy now, I’ve got kids, ha) since probably about 2009, so I really can’t understand the negativity because your blog has always been a very fun place to visit, and really drama-free. I still eat banana oatmeal with peanut butter because I read about it on your blog back in 2009. 😉

    I just caught up a little, congratulations on your engagement, so wonderful to see happiness. 🙂

    Reply

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