Dear virtual friends,
I have some news to share. A few weeks ago, I moved out of my house. Thomas and I are separating and hoping that time and space can provide us clarity if we want to continue our marriage.
This change comes as part of a much larger life shift for me. A few years ago, around when Birch graduated from toddler to big boy, I started to ask myself “is this it?” My life felt stagnant. I told myself it was probably just a phase, a funk, something that I’d move past. As I know you have noticed, I started doing more social activities that brought me joy – going to theater shows, planning theme parties, playing board games and (losing at) trivia. I found a group of friends who enjoy these kinds of activities. I was like a moth to the light and started to feel alive again.
Over time, I began to deeply examine the life I had built. I started going to therapy and processing every layer of my life. I realized I had outgrown the version of me I was at age 34 when I met Thomas. In many ways, I feel like I am going through a rebirth to the identity that I held back in my teens. Layers of “grown up” ideas are being shed.
How Did We Get Here?
The short answer is quite boring: there was nothing dramatic that happened. We slowly drifted apart as people do. And once the connection was gone, it started to feel impossible to bring it back. This illuminated how different we both are in personality, in interests, in how we show love. As Taylor says “We learned the right steps to different dances.”
I married a great man. As a person, he’s a hardworking, loving, loyal, wonderful human. He’s a great dad. We’ve been great life partners for almost a decade. But my intuition has led me to realize we aren’t destined to be romantic partners. Our life and relationship looked “good” in many ways, which made my wanting to leave the hardest and most painful decision of my life.
You can love someone deeply and still know you are ready to go. You still love them and not want to hurt them. But deep down you know something feels off.
The hardest relationships to navigate aren’t the toxic ones, they’re the almost ones. The kind-to-you, good-on-paper connections that still leave a part of you restless, aching for something unnamed. There’s no escaping pain here. The choice is never between pain and no pain, it’s between the pain that depletes you and the pain that grows you into the person you’re becoming. (@bayavoce)
So yes, this year was the hardest year of my life as I debated what to do. This article and its matching podcast has some really insightful comments about the patriarchy, why women are filled with guilt and shame for leaving, and how to reframe that mindset. There was no easy choice. It felt like a lose-lose for a long time. Thinking about the kids kept me paralyzed. And moving out Thanksgiving week was truly awful. But here I am on the other side, over the rainbow, feeling more settled and at peace. I know Thomas is, too.
What’s next?
I am working to rebuild my identity, my purpose, my authenticity from the inside out. I am seeking simplicity and minimalism along with a richness of culture and community. And I hope it leads to the most aligned, expansive chapter of my life. It’s going to be 2026 – how could it not be : )
This is what many women are now waking up to in today’s world. More women than ever before in the history of recorded humanity are experiencing what it feels like to move through the world with autonomy, to achieve in their personal careers and passions, and to feel the power and desire to create and succeed; to want MORE. And surprise surprise, just like men have for centuries, they enjoy it too. – Britta Jo
I’ve listened to this song 1,000 times this year.
FAQs
Since I know you have questions, here are some my friends have asked me!
Where are you living now?
I’m renting a townhouse in a lovely community. I really love its vibe, and I’ll share more details and pics soon for all the home folks. Initially I had wanted to trade places with Thomas to keep the kids in their home, but he didn’t want that and he also didn’t want to move, so that left me with plan C. I had to start over building a home because I didn’t want to leave our house feeling empty, so I bought a decent amount of modest furniture (please no more allen wrenches!) and set up the basics for me and the boys when they are with me.
Weren’t you sad to leave your house?
Yes, of course. I love that house and lived there for 11 years. Trust me there were times when I thought “I can’t leave my touch faucet so I will just stay.” But over time I realized a house is really just a large thing, and things don’t bring happiness. Plus, I had started to feel like the house was too big and too expensive – it stressed me out. (We spent $2500 on TREE TRIMMING last fall – talk about an annoying expense!) We’re not sure if or when we will sell it or if Thomas will stay.
Is there a chance of reconciliation?
My theme of this year is “you never know what will happen in the future.” We are both working on ourselves, and we plan to be in communication about how that’s going.
How are the kids doing?
They both took the news well when we told them and age appropriately. And if they start to struggle, we will get them help. We’ll be splitting time with Birch 50/50 (matching Mazen’s schedule so the brothers can be together) and my goal is quality over quantity. With time to recharge, I want to be a very focused mom on the days we’re together. Thomas will still spend time with Mazen, too.
I have been a thousand different women
I read this poem from Emory Hall’s book Made of Rivers recently and it struck a chord. We might have a fiber of soul that stays with us for a lifetime, but we are always evolving, always growing into different versions of ourselves. Those past women make who you are today. Think of them with forgiveness, compassion, and love rather than looking back in regret or guilt.
So many of you have followed me through these past 18 years, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for supporting me with your comments and notes <3
Kath
Nancy says
Sending you all good thoughts and hopes for a peaceful transition toward whatever comes next. Life happens, people change – focus on the good and take care ((hug))
Kath Younger says
Thank you Nancy <3
Lisa says
We only have one chance at this big, beautiful life- inspired by your leaning into the discomfort of discovering what is next and for never settling for expected. Cheers to all of your past and future selves!
Kath Younger says
Agree Lisa <3
Penny Smith says
Long long time reader-I’m proud of you, Kath. I hope you find peace.
Kath Younger says
Thanks Penny <3
Pamela says
Long time reader! Honestly, as a mom to two young girls, I’ve been envious and impressed with all your social activities! I hope you keep them up, they seem so cup-filling. <3 This news surprises me but I am here to support it. As someone said to me at the height of our infertility journey, “there is no wrong way to have a family.” I wish you peace on your journey.
Kath Younger says
Thank you Pamela
Jill Maysmith says
Wow! Thanks for sharing. I know you didn’t have to all these years. Life is unpredictable. All the best to you guys.
Kath Younger says
It helps to feel connected to you all <3
Kimberly from MN says
Hi Kath – I have been following you for the full 18 years and have watched your life transform to meet you where you are at each turn. Your bravery and commitment to your highest and best good has always been something I admire so much. While I know this is a transition that will have its ups and downs, I am certain that you have made the absolute best choice for you because you always do. You are fearless in a great way and because of that I know that the future is bright. Much love to you and your family.
Kath Younger says
Reading with tears in my eyes. Thank you.
Molly says
So well said – long time reader/follower as well and I could not add more than what Kimberly said. Have fun!
Kate says
I’m sorry to hear of all the upheaval you’ve been experiencing, but I wish you much peace and growth on this next phase of your journey. Kids – and adults! – are resilient.
Kath Younger says
Thank you Kate
Alex says
No matter what happens, I hope things don’t get too messy and you guys are able to be friendly and civil. Of course it sucks now but I hope you both end up happier whether that’s with each other or not.
Kath Younger says
I hope so too <3
Sara Massello says
Hi Kath,
I must say that I am so proud of you looking in to your heart and knowing this isn’t the end, it’s only bound to get better! Best wishes and keep us updated on your next ventures!
Xoxo,
Your Birthday Friend from Ohio, Sara
Kath Younger says
I will! And Happy 10.26 <3
Louise RD says
Hoping 2026 brings more joy….continue to take care of yourself and your kiddos. xo
Kath Younger says
Thanks Louise!
Jane Richardson says
Kath,
Been here for 18 years. Bakery, RD, first overnight oats!
I’ve been where you are now. It isn’t easy, but my 40’s were the decade of discovery.
Moving out took courage and you should be proud of taking that first most difficult step.
The rest will follow in time.
All the best to you in the coming weeks, especially as you navigate the holidays.
Peace and grace! Jane
Kath Younger says
Thank you Jane!!
Jenny says
Kath, I’ve been reading for at least 15 years and always appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. Different situation–I came out as queer in middle age and married my non-binary partner this year–but what we have in common is unpacking the patriarchal/cishetero norms. Holy smokes has it opened my eyes to how I was conditioned. Life is just too damn short for any of us, including you or Thomas, to be unhappy. Rooting for you!!
Kath Younger says
Thank you for sharing – and yes, so much to unpack with what is expected, normal, and equated to happiness.
EH says
Life after my second divorce only got better! (We are the same age.) Good luck to you!
Kath Younger says
<3 thank you for sharing
Erin B. says
Long time reader too. I am in awe of your bravery and commitment to evolving and honoring the beautiful woman you are. I’m sure things feel crazy and overwhelming especially with the kiddos but you will all land right where you’re supposed to be.
Hoping to take even a teensy bit of your energy into my own 2026!
Kath Younger says
Thank you Erin and good luck in 2026!
PS says
Your vulnerability and openness is a gift. No one has the right to know, but that you are sharing it with honesty is enormously brave. Some years are up, some are down. You have beautiful children and a full life. Wishing you peace during this transition.
Kath Younger says
Thank you <3
cyni says
As a longtime follower of your blog I really appreciate your honesty and vulnerability.
I am sure this wasn’t easy to share.
Sometimes we have to go through painful times to get to our happiness.
I use this phrase for comfort when I am feeling down or lost – it is from a poem – “let everything happen to you – beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final”
I hope this helps you.
I will keep you in my thoughts.
Kath Younger says
It does – thank you.
Michelle says
The first and biggest lesson of my 40s has been learning to separate what I want from what I think I should want. Respect to you in your journey.
Kath Younger says
100%
Chelsea says
Sending you all the love. You know I’ve been going through something similar. It’s hard but worth it.
Kath Younger says
Yes and I’ve seen your happiness!
Wendy Roorda says
All the best to you all. Longtime follower from way back in the day. Here’s to a fresh and positive 2026 no matter how things fall you still have so much light and love around you. Take good care of yourself.
Wendy
Kath Younger says
Thank you Wendy!
Susan says
Kath, this post is very timely for me as I am considering making a life transition. It’s sometimes a lot easier to stay in a situation that will not cause upheaval. What I’m weighing is the cost of that upheaval against what I want the rest of my life to look like. Thank you so much for sharing this with us.
Kath Younger says
Definitely listen to the podcast I linked in the post – it was really good to provide some clarity. Best of luck to you!
Sara Bostwick says
Hi Kath, super longtime reader and follower and also a mom of two (now grown) boys. Your boys seem like wonderful kids and doing what is best for you is simultaneously doing what is best for them. Kids flourish when their adults are happy and they feel unconditionally loved. Wishing you, Thomas and your boys peace during this transition… All Best
Kath Younger says
Thank you! They are great boys <3
Nancy D says
Kath- I have been reading your blog for many years. I wish you and your family peace and happiness. Thanks for sharing, it’s a beautifully written post.
Kath Younger says
Thanks Nancy <3
Rosamund says
Acknowledging feelings and acting on them is truly scary. You are showing a strength and openness that your boys (and readers) will look to with admiration. Best of luck, never doubt yourself because you’ve already taken the hardest step.
Kath Younger says
Thank you <3
CS says
Thank you for sharing your story. I am struggling in my marriage and whether to stay or go. Making that decision to leave takes such strength and courage. I have been a long time reader…since before Mazen was born. Much love and support from afar.
Kath Younger says
Thank you, and wishing you the best. Definitely listen to the podcast I linked in the post.
Shauna says
I have been following you for 15 years and you inspired me to change my relationship with food and health a long time ago and I still credit my healthier relationship with my body to you. Putting yourself first is a hard thing to do. Sending lots of love and respect your way.
Kath Younger says
Thank you Shauna.
Colleen says
Kath, thank you for sharing your most personal moments with your readers. Your authenticity is refreshing. I wish you all the best in this new chapter. Here’s to 2026!
Kath Younger says
Thank you Colleen
Kelly says
Yeesh- that sounds like a difficult decision that you have put a lot of thought into. Best of luck.
Kelly says
Sorry I wrote my original comment when I was distracted at work. I came back to read your post again tonight… I also want to say- thank you for sharing. You write so eloquently and are so honest and transparent about a very difficult time.
Eva says
Thanks for being vulnerable and I know it’s not easy, I wish you lots of grace & peace with what’s to come! Curious about this separation compared to your previous split with Mazen’s dad – do you feel that both situations are similar in that you’re no longer the same person as you were previously, or does this split feel very different from your previous one?
Kath Younger says
I’d rather not compare the two, but they do feel different.
Shelly Dvorak says
Kath, Congratulations on being true to you. What a fantastic example you are for your boys! When I first met you at General Mills (a hundred years ago?!) I was so impressed at your courage to pack up your family and march open-minded, into an unfamiliar setting to ask really hard questions and push back where you saw opportunity for improvement. It’s been wonderful to cheer from the sidelines as you’ve grown and evolved through the years, while staying true to yourself. Your courage has always shown through, and I admire your willingness to share your vulnerability — beautifully, authentically, with grace and gratitude — in service to your community. Cheers to a 2026 that exceeds all your hopes!
Kath Younger says
Thank you Shelly, that is so nice to say <3
Janna in Montana says
Thinking of you and sending you all positive vibes to 2026 and beyond!
Kath Younger says
Thanks Janna!
julie says
Hi Kath, long time blog reader here. Thanks for sharing with us, and I just wanted to give you a virtual hug from Canada. Life is an unpredictable journey, isn’t it?
Kath Younger says
Indeed so! Thanks for your virtual hug.
Katie says
Thank you for sharing your story, it means so much to so many of us! I left my first marriage right before the holidays three years ago, and I looked back to your posts about divorce then and found them so valuable. They made me feel less alone. I love that you chose Kacey Musgraves’s song for this–I had her album star-crossed blasting on repeat!!
Take care <3
Kath Younger says
Kacey is the best! Thank you for sharing.
Christina says
I’m proud of you Kath. Sending you so much good energy and peace over this big step.
Kath Younger says
Thank you Christina
Hannah says
Hi Kath,
Your bravery is inspirational. It must have been such a tough decision, and I’m so glad it feels right. Wishing you lots of peace, love and joy in 2026 xx
Kath Younger says
Thank you Hannah
Kristin says
Witnessing your bravery and courage to be true to you. I have been following along for a long time and enjoy reading. Thank you for sharing so much of you with vulnerability and grace.
I resonate with what you describe. I woke up at 42 thinking, “who am I in this life?” The last 10 years have been filled with lots of self exploration. It has led to learning who I am and living as I am supposed to as opposed to how I thought I was expected to (and currently in Charlottesville). It is very freeing. Enjoy your journey, and thank you for sharing it so beautifully.
Kath Younger says
Thank you for sharing. We are not alone!
Kelly says
What a tough post to have to write as a public figure. I so appreciate your honesty and sharing your life with us. I can’t say I’m surprised based on the last year of posts but I am sorry to hear it. However, I watched you gracefully navigate the first time and I know you will do the same again and come out stronger than ever. Glad you have such a supportive group of fun friends and look forward to reading about your continued adventures!
Kath Younger says
Thank you Kelly <3
Katie says
Sending big hugs, Kath
Kristina Pleiman says
Reinventing is hard – at 65 I have done it several times – each time comes out a better me. Just be kind to you and to him. You are in this together but I have no doubt the other side will a better you.
Rebecca says
Sending you peace and love Kath
Nikki says
Decades old reader, and the reason I stay is because of your willingness to be so honest, and to share your knowledge with us. I had to leave a relationship with a very similar feeling (he wasn’t a bad person; we just were no longer a good team). Wishing you peace, happiness, and comfort (in whatever way that shows up) over the holidays.
Kath Younger says
Thank you for continuing to read! And for the encouragement.
Brooke says
Hi Kath!
I’ve been following you for the full 18 years! Just wanted to say thank you for sharing such a beautifully vulnerable post with us.
I so resonate with the ‘is this it?’ moment you felt that woke you up. Same thing happened to be before my ex and I chose to separate. It was like a “quiet clunk.”
Your personal transformation is really incredible. It’s so fun to watch you blossom into the woman you were always meant to become. And I know your sons will continued to be inspired to choose themselves/stay grounded in themselves in part because of their courageous mom.
Wishing you all the best in this next chapter, whatever it may be.
Kath Younger says
Thank you Brooke <3
Katie B says
Kath – Thinking of you, supporting you, proud of you for seeking more joy. <3
WENDY says
Hi Kath! I’ve been a reader since the beginning and I have loved reading about your journey through life. I also have gone through 2 divorces, the first was extremely toxic and the second was what you are describing with Thomas…we still talk consistently and are much better friends than lovers. Now on the other side, I can’t imagine my life any differently. I wish you all the best to flourish in your new chapter.
Kath Younger says
Thank you for sharing that and the hope that comes with it!